Now feels like the right time to share with you a very personal part of my story. I want to tell you how I’ve learned to let the trauma that I’ve endured teach and guide me. This isn’t easy, but being able to talk about it openly is also a part of my growth.
When I was just eleven, I lost my mum. She was murdered. Inside our home.
Being fully honest with you – I’ve never really dealt with the grief of losing her.
Last weekend, I went through a huge healing process and that’s when I got the unexpected opportunity to finally be able to face it head on. Until now, I’d never understood just how big an impact this event has had on my life since childhood. I’ve never truly realised that I had never dealt with the shock and grief of having my beautiful mum taken away from me under such traumatic circumstances.
At the time of the incident, my dad was out of town working and I was in school. The first time I knew something was wrong was when my mum’s friend came to collect me from school. I was taken home where I was informed that something really bad had happened to my mum and that she was very sick in hospital. They needed my help to try and figure out how to contact my dad. This happened 24 years ago and we didn’t have a mobile phone back then. I was confused and scared; my little brain couldn’t understand or process the situation. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening or how I could help. I remember going into the house to look for my mum’s diary where she kept her contact numbers.
That’s when I noticed that my house was a mess. The silence was eerie and my eyes kept searching for my mum. More and more questions forming in my head with each step. Was this real? What was happening? Some of our neighbours were present there along with police and I tried to ask some questions. But no one gave me any answers. I now know that everyone was trying to protect me from the pain of knowing the truth but at that time, it felt very scary and kept on adding to my confusion. I even wondered if for some reason, I had lost both my parents.
It was all such a blur. The next thing I remember is seeing lots of people in my home the next day and my dad, absolutely shattered, leaning over my mum’s dead body. That’s when I started to cry for the first time in two days. I had hundreds of questions spinning around my head… but no one was explaining me the real gravity of it all. I did not even know that I had lost my mum forever before I saw her dead body.
What does this mean? What’s happened to my mum? What does this mean for my family? Is she never coming back? Am I really never going to see her AGAIN? Are these people telling me the truth? Who can I trust? Is my dad going to be okay? Who can I speak to? How will we continue to live in this house without her?
With all the pain and unanswered questions, it was a strange time as I tried to move on with my new way of living. Changing our home and losing all of my friends. Changing my school and having to adapt to a new curriculum in the middle of an academic year. Going to live with my aunt, my mum’s sister and being forced into a strange new existence. I was never shown how to process the pain or gravity of my loss, my family’s loss. It wasn’t until much later that I’d learn just how much it had shifted my life completely.
No one had ever taught me or spoken to me about dealing with grief. I had no idea how to start, or where to even begin the process, until last year when it came up in one of my EFT sessions (disguised as my fear of not being enough or good enough) with my trainer. Since then, as you can imagine, it’s been a tough journey. To be able to learn from leaning into my grief and allowing the healing to come from it has been rough, but also very enlightening. This time, instead of avoiding the pain, I decided to go all in and really feel it.
I grew up listening to things like:
So, I was always trying to be strong and fiercely independent, making sure that I never disturbed the peace at home with my needs or desires. Everyone was trying to do their best to deal with this situation, including my siblings who were only seven and two when all of this happened. I grew up as a very confused and scared child. My dad was unpredictable; he’d have random scary flare ups and angry outbursts. I didn’t know when it was safe to speak my mind. I could be verbally or physically abused for saying or expressing anything that was considered to be out of line – it was like walking on eggshells 24/7. I never felt loved or accepted for who I was, but rather how well I performed and how obedient I was. If I listened to everything he said, I was a good child. If I expressed what I wanted or wanted to have fun, I was either beaten or verbally abused. So you can imagine how much I must’ve been operating out of fear as a young adult.
Whilst suppressing all of these big feelings of loss, I unconsciously and sadly believed that:
This ultimately led me to forming patterns like:
Now that I know what these patterns are and where they come from, I can get started on healing them. None of us can start the work of reprogramming the unhelpful patterns we’ve learned unless we know what they are, where they stem from and how they are serving us. These patterns are only here to keep us safe and feel loved by others. Just like mine were trying to keep me safe from my dad and make me feel loved.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS, PATTERNS OR EMOTIONS
So, with this story, I just want to remind you all that:
Doing this work is like peeling off the layers of trauma and conditioning that we have been holding so tightly in our bodies. Not just from childhood, but also from our ancestors.
The more I’ve worked through these dense emotions, I’ve realised that all of a sudden, I’m ready to SHOW UP. I don’t have to work on my confidence or self-doubt anymore. Working on my confidence has actually been working through the layers of grief and conditioning that have been holding me back from stepping in my true power.
So, if this story has landed with you, I am here to guide and support you while you navigate through tough emotions and your own layers of limiting beliefs + old patterns of self-sabotage.
Let’s honour the magic that is already within you and clear the dust covering it. ✨
I’m about to launch my brand new signature program, Connect with Confidence very soon and inside, we’ll cover all of this soulful work and lots more. DM me on Instagram or if you’d like to know more about it or get on the waitlist.
Chat soon x
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I am a Soulful Confidence Coach on a mission to help ambitious, driven women unearth their limiting beliefs and step into their power. I work with women who are are ready to shatter their fears and self-doubt so they can express themselves confidently at work and in relationships.
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